Her Journal, lifestyle

the page i hope you never have to read.

This weekend’s blogpost will be much more different like the usual. This is more personal and more like an open diary that I hope everyone can relate to their life from the short documentary film, ‘the words i hope you never have to hear’ I recently uploaded on my YouTube channel. If you have not watched it, I will give you the precious 5 minutes 13 seconds to have your inner soul awaken. Go, watch it, go, go.

Congratulations you have reached the end of the video. Now I am giving you the time to think whether you would like to move on to the stories behind the short film or to the other blogpost of mine that you find interesting instead of reading this one. Please, just suit yourself, but really, I have written this long why are you leaving?!

Merci beaucoup. That’s all I can say if you are still reading this blogpost. Before starting it all, I will accept all the thoughts that might appear inside your head about me, no, no, I am not thinking negatively about you, I just want to accept and forgive things before I get myself washed into a continuous cycle and kept me in the dark negative loop.

Some people might think that I am a super dramatic and melancholic philanthropist for making a short film with poetic narration about life as if I am the wisest person on this planet earth. Before this thought crosses your mind and gets worse, please allow me to help you understand that this is my choice to share my insight about this situation in purpose to virtually encourage anyone who ever feel this way because I am here, I was once in your shoes and that is okay, you are not alone. Frankly I am nervous and scared too because this is the first time for me to share something personal about my life but I don’t want you to experience this too, so this is the page I hope you never have to read,

I went home too early I supposed. Thirty minutes earlier I almost made the Uber driver confused because of the noise I made in the back seat. But I am glad I managed it well, I still had a pleasant conversation with the Uber driver along the ride in purpose to put my real-self in disguise. As I arrived home, I closed the bedroom door and went to the corner near the balcony. My head was heavy, my eyes were weary, wasting too much energy in the five hours earlier but that night, it began again and there was no one but me. It was silent yet so loud inside of me. That night was a big battle between me and my tangled thoughts. They are like little dirt specks of life, washing over you into a continuous cycle, pulling you into a downward spiral, trying to keep you in a dark negative loop.

2 hours earlier, I just sat there in a sofa corner. Struggling with the tangled strings in mind. Back to my phone again, scrolling over the timeline watching the latest post that got hundreds of likes and comments in a minute and videos with 10 seconds length of how people around me having a great night in that place. They seemed having so much fun, but when I looked up, they just looked down staring at their phone, ignoring each other. We live in a generation where people ignore each other to get each other’s attention.

Everyone was busy capturing moments, socializing, cuddling, drinking, dancing, and we all know that’s how celebration works but my mind was not in the room. Forcing laughter and faking smile, I just could not help it any longer. My soul was screaming for help but no one listened, even me. And that was my mistake, forcing my soul to be the life of the party whilst I was not. 

In a few weeks earlier, people have come and gone, I accepted that. Isn’t that something common? I always think people are just lessons in every single chapter that I write day to day, and that is how I survive. Words don’t mean, people mean. Words are powerful but a person who delivers it make the words become much more powerful. And that person depends on your perspective about them. I am sorry I did not put my guard up when they hurt you with their words, I am sorry for not defending you from their shallow misinterpretations about you.

Well, this is not the end. The days after that night in the corner of my room, I hiked to the pine forest with my best friend. I had always asked her to take me somewhere that bring us closer to nature. My mind was still at its worst thus I needed distraction. Some of my friends that I think I am close with might remember this question, “what if I leave social media? can I do that?”. That is actually a sudden question which they had no idea it would lead to my short isolation, I am wondering what they think by putting the question as an action of social media detox for good and it surprised me. One thing that they asked was, “but are you still communicating?”; “but you need to still reply my message”. I feel like I have a hope and you realize there are still people who genuinely care about you no matter what.

I am a PR student, a blogger and a content writer intern that both work remotely, too hard for me to leave a platform which aligns to my career. I could not thank Allah enough for that. I admit that I always have my phone on my hand, regardless for replying emails, messages, and social media indeed. I have seen so many things on social media that somehow almost caused me into insecurities, loneliness, isolation, and depression. And I had no idea that it would give such a great impact to myself like the words I said in the video. Gladly no one has ever said one of those words to me in the face, but weirdly, it was me, myself. Myself said that to me like million voices screaming in high volume like possessed person you watch in horror movies. I cried but I did not understand why, that was really confusing and torturing. What was the reason? What made you feel so heavy? I don’t know! Don’t ask me that question.

That most likely could bring someone into isolation because they do not know how to answer that questions, they are clueless, don’t give them questions, a simple tight hug, a cheer up, and say it will be okay is more than just enough. Probably that is why they isolate themselves to avoid those kind of questions and let themselves being drowned in silence. Because they think it could help them but actually not. The more I think, isolating myself from circumstances ain’t gonna help me out of it. Talk to the one you trust the most, spill it out, cry it out, it is okay, you are going to pass this phase, now take a deep breath and drink water. These dark thoughts are just your illusions.

This short documentary film is more like the amalgam of events in my life where social media has important role in it. I almost always use this platform to communicate. Too many beautiful things I have seen from it that somehow set my standards about success, happiness, and beauty. Let’s take an example about happiness, I once talked to a kid in a village far from city, “Eating chicken is the best moment in my life!”. He only eats chicken in special occasion whilst I almost eat chicken everyday. This is really sad, it clearly proves that the standard of happiness for everyone is different and it is constructed from the circumstances they live in. These constellation of dark thoughts might explode at the point of time you never expect.

If you ask me why I made this video, I do not know. I am sorry for lying to you that I will give the reasons why, I just do not know. That is just how I express myself, probably through arts. Everyone has their own way to express themselves, and this is how I do it. I want to give positive insight for everyone by telling if you ever feel that way, it will be okay, you are just having a hard time because I know how it feels like and you are not alone. These days might be hard but I believe storms will pass.

Before ending these long paragraphs, if you feel this way, it is completely okay, you are not dramatic if you feel this way, it is just a phase. If you need somebody to talk to, I will be there, whoever you are, you can text me through e-mail, Instagram message, or anything. Remember that you are loved, and you will always be.

And before I take my cue to leave, these are the words i hope they ever have to hear. I have been through a lot until I gladly finally made this short documentary film and there are people whom I need to send my deepest gratitude in the making of this video. I wanted to send my deepest gratitude to my best friend Alin for helping and accompanying me making this video, Connor Franta as the author of Note to Self book which has given me inspiration and courage from his writing, my sister for hugging me  so tight in the hours before that horrible night, people I met that night who had time to always keep me up with the conversation and those who were somehow aware with the heavy look on my face I unfortunately could not hide, Rose whom I called that night and willingly listened to my tangled thoughts then put my laughter back which I needed the most, my friends I could not mention one by one who always give me support. If you are curious to watch how I made the film, watch the behind the scene here because the making is probably not as sad as you might have thought hehe! Come on, put a little laughter on your face, that looks beautiful, now go and see the world outside because they await for you. Thank you for reading this long, it means the world to me.

chia.

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11 thoughts on “the page i hope you never have to read.

  1. Pingback: Outfit To Wear for Hiking in Pine Forest | stylebychia

  2. Pingback: August Beatitude 2017 | stylebychia

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